


Vivid

by MayLovelies



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Suspense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2018-07-17
Packaged: 2019-05-27 15:58:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15028121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MayLovelies/pseuds/MayLovelies
Summary: After an argument and some hurtful words exchanged, Julian attempts to apologize to Garak. Instead, he is met with a note in his quarters, and Garak is nowhere to be found.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is part 1 of like 3 or 2 depending XD. i need to write happier garashir fics lmao.

Memories of the prior night were still vague in Bashir’s mind when he woke. 

 

It took a few moments for bits and pieces to manifest, his head still pounding from the hangover. Slowly he remembered that he spent a few hours at the bar, and had downed at least five bottles of blood wine, it was a wonder he was still alive. And from what he continued to remember, Miles was sitting there next to him the whole time,  consoling him. 

 

As Bashir fell lost in thought, the computer called out the time. 

 

“I’m up...I’m up...” He groaned. 

 

The memories continued to materialize as Julian recalled his poor week leading up to that night. He’d lost a couple of patients, the Dominion war was kicking his ass...well, everyone’s ass to be fair. Yet as the doctor, he had not only the physical health of the patients to focus on for as of recent, their mental and emotional health weighed upon him as well. It had all been taking a toll on him. Now all of a sudden the bloodwine, the migraine and the vivid image of Miles rubbing his back made sense.   

 

He was silent, and quick when he prepared himself for the day.

 

His headache began to weaken yet, there was still something itching at his conscious. Something that even now, as his brain worked to push away the effects of the alcohol, would not leave him.  Perhaps, it wasn’t important. Yet, it still demanded his attention. 

 

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

 

“Glad you’re feeling better.” Miles greeted as he and Julian left Ops. “Still don’t look so good.”

 

Julian shrugged. “It still feels like my head is clogged to the rim with bloodwine, I don’t know what I was thinking.”

 

Miles chuckled, giving him a pat on the back. “You were  _ thinking  _ that you needed a break. Keiko’s worried about you. She says you look different, more exhausted...older than you actually are and...” 

 

There was that itch in the back of Julian’s mind again and it demanded his attention. He then began to recall bits and pieces of an argument...he knew one voice was his, but the other...it was vague. 

It was O’Brien who realized he had zoned out, stopping suddenly to pull his friend back into reality.    
  


“Julian, are you alright?”

 

“I’m quite...confused actually. What all happened last night?” He asked. “At the Promenade?”

 

“You drank a few cups of bloodwine and then passed out. Before that you came in grumbling about AND argument. You didn’t want to get into it that much...said that it was an argument with...Garak?” 

 

Julian’s memory began to grow just a bit clearer while portions of that dispute revealed themselves to him. He remembered now, the weight of the week bearing down on him, he couldn’t stop himself from lashing out at Garak when the two confronted each other. Garak had only wanted to go on a holosuite adventure and had pestered Julian at the wrong time. Julian had said some things that he regretted instantly, as things were heated between both of them...but none of it was Garak’s fault. 

 

He’d have to apologize to him. Maybe take him out to dinner, or on another holosuite program. Anything to make up for the ass he’d been.

 

“Look Julian, you don’t look to well...maybe you should take a rest.” 

 

“I promised to eat lunch with you, it’s not like I have anything else to do.” Julian protested, though not disliking the idea of a rest.  

 

“Yes, nothing else to do but rest. Keiko’s right about you Julian...something’s off.” Mile’s rubbed Julian’s shoulder right before the two of them split ways.

 

Julian quickly rushed to his own quarters, guilt slowly eating away at him as the argument began to replay more  vividly in his mind. Some of the words...the phrases...things he said were so clear now, it hurt. He could hardly remember what Garak said, how he defended himself...if he did...all Julian could focus on was how terribly he acted. 

 

Now he wanted nothing more than to apologize to his friend. 

 

He just needed to sleep, and then he could get the strength, and clarity he needed to make it all up to him. 

 

OoOoOoOoOo

 

_ “How about Paris?” Garak had popped up behind Bashir once again. “Perhaps we’ll enjoy it more when  we aren’t running for our lives...and when the safeties aren’t off-” _

 

_ “Garak!” Julian could only ignore him for so long before his nerves got the best of him. He had informed Garak prior to this, that he’d have no time for a holosuite program--he was too busy. The deaths, the Dominion, everything...Garak just didn’t understand.  _

 

_ “Doctor, there’s no get so upset. I’m sure all you need is time to rest and take your mind off--” _

 

_ “You don’t know what I need Garak! In fact, you know nothing about me! You have no idea the pain and loss I’ve been through! My friends--the only family I have--can be taken from me! I’ve seen countless patients die under my care! You can never know what that feels like.”  _

 

_ The expression on Garak’s face was unreadable, so Julian continued. “I don’t know why you keep talking to me...keep following me! I don’t even know why you’re here on this station, in a place where you know you aren’t wanted. Not by the Bajorans, not by Starfleet and not by me.” _

 

_ Garak’s expression had certainly changed.  _

 

_ Even if it was just a flicker, something that only Julian caught, it changed.  _

 

_ He was crushed. _

 

OoOoOoOoOo

 

Julian rushed down the hallway the moment he woke.  There was no hesitation after that nightmare, he  _ needed  _ to see Garak. He needed to apologize to him, to let him know that he meant none of that. 

 

He’d take him to the holosuite, take him to lunch, dinner... _ anything  _ to make up for  the ass he’d been.  Julian had felt guilty the moment he yelled at Garak, and he now realized that  _ this  _ was the reason he woke up hungover, bottles of bloodwine downed. He needed something to take his mind off of what he’d done, so getting drunk was the best option. Yet that only worked for so long. He remembered it all now. 

 

“Garak--open up. It’s me, Julian.”

 

No response. That didn’t surprise him.

 

“Garak please, I need to speak to you...it’s about yesterday. I’m sorry....” 

 

The otherside of the door was quiet, prompting Julian to knock multiple times, and nearly yell. When ten minutes passed and there was no response, not even a shout telling him to leave, Julian became worried. In normal circumstances, he would have let this situation be, but Garak’s silence worried him. 

 

He overrode the system, reciting his bypass code and promptly stepped in.

 

“Garak I...” He stopped suddenly when he was met with an empty room.   _ No... _ Julian thought, not suspecting Garak would go  _ that  _ far after the argument. Yet there was no a package, no bag or an article of clothing left in the room...it was vacant. Julian’s heart began to skip several beats, his breath grew ragged as he surveyed the room for anything, just  _ anything  _ to indicate that Garak was still there.

 

Yet there was still nothing. 

 

However, as Julian’s tired eyes surveyed the room for the last time, his gaze rested upon a folded white piece of paper on the bed. He rushed over, taking it in his hands and nearly ripping it as he opened it. It was certainly Garak’s handwriting, though he could tell he was in a hurry when he wrote. 

 

Without putting much thought into that, Julian read: 

 

_ “Doctor, _

 

_ If you are reading this letter, it means that I’m no longer on the station and I was gone hours before you came upon this. I will make this short and simple, because as I write, I don’t have as much time as I’d wish to put our last conversation into words--or, my last conversation to you that is. I want to start by thanking you for being such a good friend. To you, I may not have mattered all that much but to me, you made life on this station bearable.  However, our conversation last night opened my eyes in light of things that have had happened to me recently. Without boring you with the details, I lost a close friend on Cardassia the other day, just a while before we had our disagreement. We’d been keeping in touch for months and then, I received the news. I came to you for help, for a distraction and you gave me more advice than I needed.  _

 

_ I can’t go back to Cardassia, and the truth is I wouldn’t be happy there. I can’t stay here, and we both know I’m not happy here either. We both know I’m now wanted here. For years, I’ve been trying to accept that and because of you I finally have. So I had to do something I never had the strength to do...and that was leave this place. There was nothing left here for me, not a friend and certainly not anyone who cared for me. I only say this because I know we’ll never see each other again but, you were the one thing I was holding on to Julian. The one person I used as an excuse to stay on this station...the one thing I believed wanted me to stay.  _

 

_ I was wrong, and I’m glad I know now.  _

 

_ My shuttlecraft is leaving soon, so this is all I’ll be able to write. Thank you for being a dear friend to  me, I’ll never forget our lunches or the time we spent together. You have no idea how much you mean to me.  _

 

_ Elim Garak.” _

 

Julian stuffed the note his pocket. “Shit...” He muttered. “Where the hell did you go?” He asked into an empty room, knowing well he’d receive no answer. Yet that didn’t mean he’d give up. Now, he needed to plan and think, and not let this emptiness and pain bring him down. He’d find Garak, he’d bring him back and he’d let Garak know that he did care about him...He’d let Garak know that he loved him.

 

OoOoOoO

Though the following weeks were ruthless, and many times Bashir felt that this was all pointless, he finally found himself on a transport, his destination - Earth. Garak had made sure his transactions and trip were not logged on any of the computer’s systems.  However, a simple re-read of the letter was all Julian needed to narrow down his search. 

 

On the back, it was written “ _ If you find yourself missing me, visit the holosuite--those are the places you’d find me”.  _ The only holosuite he and Garak had ever been in together took place on Earth, and ended in Paris. Garak had since then  _ loved  _ Paris and had dropped hints of wanting to go. He never asked Julian directly, but Julian knew he wanted to visit for real--to see the paintings, the scenery and the Eiffel Tower for himself. 

 

So that is where Julian would go.  Garak didn’t leave that as a message intentionally; he more than likely didn’t want to be found. It was just one last dramatic farewell from his friend. Or so, Garak believed it was a farewell. 

 

Julian had already explained everything to Sisko and the others, they understood. Even if they didn’t, he was on the shuttlecraft already. He was anxious but he was ready for this. He’d find Garak and bring him home.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i decided to continue this, so i hope you all enjoy!

Garak had been everywhere, yet nowhere at the same time.

 

Every place Julian happened to visit, he got the same response. Garak was there at an INN, or a hotel maybe an hour or so ago before Julian arrived--this was the story he’d heard everywhere. He was starting to lose hope.

 

Julian, through means he wasn’t too proud of, was able to keep somewhat of a paper trail on his old friend but, Garak seemed to catch on.

 

It wasn’t unlike him--he was an ex-spy afterall. He knew when someone was looking for him. Julian just wondered if he was aware of who it was.

 

“Another Brandy sir?” The highly accented voice called across the bar, rocking him back into reality. Julian looked up to see the tender waiting patiently for his request. 

 

Julian had ordered a few cups (again, something he wasn’t proud of) after yet another week of unsuccessful search. He’d scaled all of Paris , and all the places he knew Garak would be yet, his Cardassian friend seemed to be nonexistent. Just a story for him to hear from motel owners and the people around. Tales of Garak’s friendly attitude and mysterious tendencies were already ingrained in the foundation of this town. 

 

“Yes, one more.” Julian responded.

 

The bartender smiled, and she poured him just enough to help him sleep. “You seem stressed Doctor--is Starfleet work as tedious as they say?”

 

“You’d be surprised.” Julian took a swig of his drink. “But oddly enough, my stress at the moment doesn’t stem from Starfleet.”

 

“Rough day?”

 

“More like rough couple of months.” Julian responded, allowing the alcohol to flow through him.

 

“Tell me all about it.”

 

Julian, near drunk, accepted the invitation. “I’ve been looking for something--someone....someone close to me. See, I love him but I...” Julian paused.

 

All the time he’d thought of Garak, he’d never once admitting to loving him out loud. When others had asked him about his devotion to his ‘friend’, he’d say that he thought “highly” of him, or was worried. Julian in his heart, knew he’d come all the way to Earth because he loved Garak, it was just never something he ever told anyone. 

 

“Was it a relationship gone sour?”

 

“More, I treated him sour. In all honesty...he deserves much better than me! I wouldn’t be surprised if he slapped me in the face when we met again....well...if we meet again.” 

 

The bartender crossed her arms, leaning against the bar ledge. She remained silent, assessing the situation and spoke. “How shitty did you treat him?”

 

“Well aside from me yelling at him and telling him no one wanted him, I put a wedge in our relationship. I started pushing him away for no damn reason, I was short with him...just....awful to him...I listened to the terrible things others said about him and...even though I loved him, I treated him like trash.”

 

She groaned. “Well, you did treat him like shit. You can’t be mad if he wants nothing to do with you but...” Her frowned turned into a smile. “I think it will mean a lot to him if he sees that you’re traveling this far to see him. If not to get back with him, then apologize.”

 

“Apologize is all I’d be happy with...” Julian realized his words were growing slurred...he wasn’t making all that much sense.

 

“Do what you can, and maybe he’ll come back to you. I can see in your eyes that you love him so much. Hopefully you’ve learned your lesson and that love doesn’t go to waste.”

 

Julian took another swig of his alcohol. “I guess...”

 

OoOoOoOoOoO

 

Julian felt heavy as he dragged himself back to his room. 

 

He wasn’t quite drunk yet but the whiskey was taking an affect on him somehow. It took more strength than he wanted to admit to walk upstairs, even more strength to walk to his bed without tripping. 

 

He thought he found solace when he collapsed on the mattress. He didn’t even take off his shoes or clothes, just curled up in the bed under the blankets, mentally planning his search for the next day. It was then his combadge, forgotten in a pile of clothes laying at the end of his bed , sounded. 

 

He didn’t make a noise, didn’t even get up to answer. Just let the voice play.

 

_ This is Captain Sisko to Dr. Bashir--do you hear me? Julian _ ? Julian simply put a pillow over his head, groaning at the sound of his captain’s voice.  _ I know that you are going through hard times now, with Garak...but we need you here. The casualties, the Dominion...too much is happening for you to be absent. If you haven’t found Mr. Garak yet, I’m sorry, but I’m ordering you to return here in the next couple of weeks. Sisko Out.  _

 

Julian wanted to feel anger...but all he felt was despair. 

 

If he couldn’t find Garak now, then when would he ever find him? These months had been fruitless. Would he spend another two weeks being alone, and miserable? Perhaps the best thing to do, would be to return to the station. 

 

Garak was gone. He had every right to be gone, and every right not to want to return. After the way Julian had treated him...for months for almost a year...why would Garak want to come back? On top of that, it wasn’t just Julian that was pushed Garak away from the station...it was everything. The war, Cardassia, everything that brought Garak pain was at that station. Julian’s friends, his  _ family  _ practically were all living on DS9. He was happy at the station. The same couldn’t be said for Garak. Perhaps Julian was selfish for wanting to bring Garak back to a place where he didn’t feel he belonged. To a place where Garak wasn’t happy.

 

The combadge rang a few times within the next hours and Julian couldn’t take it anymore. The room seemed to suffocate him...the walls grew smaller and smaller, pulling him in. He couldn’t take it anymore.

 

He stood, took his jacket and ran out of the room. The combadge lay abandoned under the pile of clothes. 

 

OoOoOoO

 

There weren’t a lot of people at the tower--not at that time of night.

 

There were a few couples, and maybe one or two people alone, not including Julian. He averted his attention away from them--away from everyone. His eyes rested on the sparkling tower ahead as he contemplated his path from here on out. He told himself that he’d go back to the station and forget about Garak yet...he wouldn’t be happy. 

 

Not without Garak. There was Jadzia and even Miles yet, without Garak, things were dull. It felt like there was a void in his heart. A void that would never again be filled. Maybe he’d resign Starfleet afterward...he couldn’t see himself going back to the Station after all. He looked toward the Tower one last time. His eyes resting on the glimmering lights, before he decided to turn away. Even in one of the most joyous places in the Galaxy, he couldn’t find peace. He couldn’t find happiness.

 

“Doctor Bashir?” Amidst the distant music and voices, he heard a familiar voice from behind. He didn’t turn at first, believing this only to be a trick of the mind. Yet he was honest when he told himself this voice sounded like Garak’s. Soft, yet full life and energy.

 

_ It isn’t him.  _ He reminded himself.  _ It’s your mind, playing tricks on you. He isn’t there-- _

 

“Julian!”

 

He could no longer help himself. Julian turned , expecting to be faced with cruel reality; with nothing but an empty space and a voice replaying over and over again in his head.  Yet, that wasn’t the case. There, standing wide eyed with more astonishment than he’d ever seen before was Garak.

 

“Doctor Bashir, what are you doing here-”

 

Julian cut him off, not taking any more chances. 

 

Perhaps this Garak was a figment of his imagination...perhaps this was just a random Cardassian that knew him from the station, but Julian would take that chance.

 

Julian embraced Garak, and moments later, he kissed him. To his shock, Garak kissed him back. 

  
All of a sudden, the voices, the music, the stars and even the Eiffel Tower in the background seemed to vanish. To Julian all that existed in that moment was Garak, and he  _ never  _ wanted to let him go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter after this! We get to see Garak's perspective (maybe two idk!)

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed!


End file.
